| cause these words are my diary screaming out loud |
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[05 Jun 2009|12:11pm] |
lost my job at blue frog. one of my friends is in ICU (about a month ago i was there to see another friend) my roommate has no money, i havent had a chance to look for another job since i'm still at bang on and they have been calling me in.
i'm gunna chill on the drinking all the time. seems it has ruined my life.
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| my hands they always shake... and i dont drink alone |
[15 Apr 2009|01:45pm] |
my life is out of control.
the last 2 days i've had some scottish boys come party and i guess they were fully surprised aryn and i can keep up with them. and they both wouldnt stop saying how pretty i am. although i'm sure it was to get in my pants, (which they were unsuccessful) it still makes you feel awesome to hear random people say that. i often think i'm unattractive... haha although they only people that tell me that are drunk in dark bars. guess i'm pretty in the dark.... HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAH "doesnt matter hunny we're all black when the lights go out"
i had some other homeless dude break into my house a few weeks ago, he didnt take anything, he just wanted to fuck with aryn i guess. i was dead ass asleep and heard nothing. apparently he sat down on the couch and smoked a few rocks. AWESOME. havent seen him since... which he is lucky because you know i'd fuckin chop his god damn ass up and sell it on BLVD to all the other not so hungry but wanna get fucked up homeless shit heads.
we did in fact call the cops so we can get out of this lease if we choose
met my neighbor down the street. she's 35 but parties like us which is awesome.
for 2 nights in a row aryn and i chilled at fitches place... needless to say it was weird as fuck. he of course was out of town with his ex. makes me feel awesome the reason he stopped talking to me was to get back with his psycho ex. whatever, fuck him, obviously he needs some sort of bullshit in his life to function and i'm not providing it for him.
just wish we could have remained best friends (not fuck buddies that say i love you. wtf?) instead of him fucking with my head the way he did.
i work every fuckin day. 2 jobs rule, but when you work 7 days a week, it starts wearing you thin. MONEY! at least i have money. and i fuckin still dont act responsible
our house is trashed. has been for weeks. it looks like someone broke in but its really just us being fucked up all the time. you can tell where in the house i have been by the fuckin trail of beer bottles with the labels torn off. i go through spells where i sleep for 12 hours for like a week, and the next week i sleep for maybe 3 hours a night and waste time during the day instead of doing shit i should.
i've got burns all over my arms and bruises on my legs. muscles that are sore and i have no idea why. my fingers and toes are peeling, cant figure out why. maybe i have scurvy. my eyes are sunkin in and have dark circles. i'm always exhausted. but really.... i dont care. i'm havin a good time and honestly not giving a fuck about anything. hopefully i'm near death. or close to being sent to rehab.
i need a nap.
fuck you and good night
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| off with your head, dance till your dead, heads will roll.. heads will roll |
[01 Apr 2009|01:13pm] |
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so there is this homeless dude that chills outside our house. i dont mind too much because he's a nice dude. he helps us out, we help him out.
i recently found out he was sleeping in my car. NOT cool. if he had asked, maybe. so in a drunkin stupor i went outside and threw all his shit out. he got fuckin pissed, i didnt give a fuck.
i come home to a bunch of trash and shit in my yard and my fucking trashcan is gone. then i see the mother fucker coming down the street with 2 more trashcans full of shit to dump in my yard. he got pissed off at me because i threw all his shit out of my car or i put it on top of my car.
needless to say it was about an hour of me chasing him down the road fucking screaming. and this mother fucker is trying to tell me i'm in the wrong while he's foaming at the mouth like a fucking animal. go smoke some more crack and kill yourself! puck had to pick me up and throw me over his shoulder while i'm kicking and screaming and put me in the house. i tried to call the god damn cops but my phone was of course dead. and i was too pissed to think about taking pucks.
how do you get mad at someone for throwing your shit out of somewhere you shouldnt be? what a fucking shit bag.
i'm so sick of mother fuckers lying to me, or acting like they arent fucking me over, and act like you are my friend or actually care.
FUCK YOU ALL. go suck on an asshole and i'll be there to slit your fucking throat while youre doing it. you disgust me.
- end rant. sorry. vent!
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the jobs are going well.
chris deleted me off his myspace. that actually hurt alot more then i thought it would.
he of course fucked me over the same way he did last time. i guess i just thought he actually cared about me and wouldnt do that again.
" i should have listened to my friends"
the tattoo on my back didnt stop me from pulling the same shit i did with the last guy that broke my heart. the reason i got the tattoo. to remind me.
there has got to be something wrong with me. do i subconsciously fall for the guys that are complete shit bags? why do i want to believe all their empty promises so badly? why do i actually believe them when they say they love me so fucking much.
UHG. i dont want to be this upset over it. i'm trying to brush it off and keep going. but my heart hurts so much. i'm trying to let it go and let him do whatever with out me because he obviously doesnt want me around. all this shit i built up in my head... this FUCKING MATCHING TATTOO I HAVE ON MY NECK. all of it, i built over a fucking fairy tail. i just wanted what i thought i had to be true. i just wanted to be happy with someone. or, ha, i guess in our case with was miserably happy in a self destructing way.
i'm emotionally lonely.
and i hate admitting that.
it makes me feel weak and vulnerable.
and neither of those feelings i'm used to.
and out of spite i did something i shouldnt have. i'm a vengeful little bitch. and thats something i have never been able to break myself of.
if you fuck me, i'm going to fuck you 10 times harder. even if i'm fucking myself over, as long as i know you feel that pain.
there is something wrong with me. and i'm already sorry for pulling the shit i did.
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| you know tomorrow comes like disease to us.. |
[25 Mar 2009|03:43am] |
.. and tomorrow comes..
---------------------------------------------------
so.
i have 2 jobs now. and its awesome. i never get a day off... but i'm makin some money. not as much as brew house.. but i'm happy. even though life is shit. we owe way too much in bills but fuck it. fuck it all. we havent paid shit in over 2 months. i will eventually lose everything i have. and i care but i dont care. sorry i'm not sorry.
the guy i thought i was in love with wont talk to me. surprise!!
i have the best roommate in the world and we are both doomed. another surprise.
we chilled with her mom last night and got shit faced. loved it.
i have 2 jobs. one at blue frog and one at bang on.
i'm glad my time is occupied. i take the bus to and from work or walk. or try to talk someone into helping me out.
i make alot of new friends every day.
i guess they arent really friends.. just being druck at a bar.. but it makes me feel better people actually shoot the shit with me. that i dont know.
i need to get out of this city.
i miss feeling like i'm needed.
i miss feeling alive.
i'm just going to pick up and get out of here one day. and i cant wait for that. although i feel i'm always going to be stuck here.
ha. no one cares. sorry for wasting your time.
OH! btw thanks andrea for calling me about the real world.. but i'm 24 now and they wont take me. shit is boguss. but i would have ruled it all.
for anyone else. they are casting in ATL for 20 to 23.... last sunday... haha. good luck!
<3 go fuck yourself0
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| bottoms up to better days |
[16 Mar 2009|05:07pm] |
sooooo....
i think its funny when i go out and someone asks me if i'm in a band. i get it alot... who the shit do they think i am? i'm gunna start saying yes haha.
life has been crazy. as usual.
had my birthday. everything was great, we were all shit faced. and some how at the end of the night i ended up pissed as fuck, made everyone leave, started busting beer bottles, threw chelsea's phone, then destroyed my birthday cake. i'm a fucking asshole. i apologized to everyone. fuck being 24 anyway.
chelsea came for a few days which was awesome. i miss her. we had a blast.
it snowed one weekend, then warm as fuck the next, now its raining and cold. get it together weather. shit man.
got a weekend job at bang on. still looking for a second job and its not going well at all. and untill the weather makes up its damn mind i'm not even sure when i'm gunna be able to find a freakin job.
aryn and i cant pay bills. we both owe $350 in bills this month for the house, along with $363 for rent. i dont even want to go into how bad the management is for this place. they dont tell me if they lose my rent check in the mail, their fax is fucked, they never return my emails, they dude texts me instead of calling me, and i cant reply to texts, and he only answers the phone some times. just sucks because i dont have a real job to pay for all this shit. its like so little money but when you've got no incoming shit.. it makes you want to kill yourself.
the fucking cat WILL NOT stop peeing on all my shit. so the house smells terrible all the time. i want to throw her outside, but shes not fixed yet.
aryn and i have been getting into alot of trouble with our drinking habits. but we have such a good time. we never stop laughing. i love her.
i finely got someone to look at my car... now i'm being told its the starter. i mean i get a new battery, i get a new alternater, now this? wtf. JUST WORK DAMN YOU!
i never see any of my other friends anymore. its really sad actually. i feel like i got written off for one reason or another. it really upset me at first. but i'm used to being home alone all the time now. i'd say i'm in hiding but really i'm not. i just wait for someone to ask me to go some where.
and dont you say its because i'm with chris. because i hardly ever see him.
haha speaking of, i think derek has a crush on aryn. what is this? chris best friend tryin to get fresh with my best friend? haha i think its funny.
i've got some good stories to tell but... i just dont feel like typing it all out. so hang out with me fuckers!
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| got holes in my shoes, holes in my teeth, |
[12 Feb 2009|06:50pm] |
a hole in my head and i cant sleep! i got everything and less baby i'm a mess..
i wish i knew what made people say they think i'm strong. like in the personality way. i certainly dont feel strong right now.
i'm gunna start killing people as they leave their jobs, steel their money, then steel their job. guess i only have myself to blame for not getting it together.
i need some fucking help. guess i'm gunna have to cry to mom and see if she can take me to the auto store. and attempt to get a grip on life. i dont think its going to work.
its been almost a month since i lost my job. wtf am i going to do
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[24 Jan 2009|06:54pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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last night was josh hydes birthday. we went to this place OUT SIDE OF 285, like SOUTH atl. called southern comfort. haha i have never felt so out of place in my life but it was horribly awesome.
i got hit on by old men with no teeth, there were fat ladies in short shorts and tank tops with their bellys hanging out, i mean it was hideous. but it was also the most hilarious thing ever. some dude got all the girls roses. some chick told alia after smiling at her as a friendly gesture to "stop lookin" (hahaha) and then got her a drink! (wtf) beer was poured all over me at one point due to an on going beer fight.
some how aryn and brett convinced me to invite people over and the only mother fucker that came was some guy i think that was in love with me.
end of the night the 4 of us ended up drunk as piss all in my bed trying to watch a movie, and i cuddled up to aryn because i didnt want anything to do with the boys in my bed, then realized i couldnt fuckin move from my position. so i grabbed the smallest banket in the house and a tiny pillow and fucking curled into a ball in aryns naked bed. haha i woke up to a phone call at 2pm and freaked because everything was orange and i had no idea where i was. then i wondered if everyone had left. and they did.
megatron came over, met up with rhay, drank, laughed, smoked, the house we were at smelled like a fart... i think i still smell that.... i'm wondering if its stuck in my hair... fuckin gross.
i'm home alone and going crazy. WEEE!
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| you can sit next to me when the world comes down |
[23 Jan 2009|06:55pm] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
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ok lets see.
binging since i lost the job. lets see if i can even remember half the amazing shit that has happened.
made a wizard stick out of PRB cans taller then me. yeah, rhay helped a little buuuut sheeeiiiiitttt.
aryn and i broke the coffee table because we were listening to the briggs and started stomping on it.
wake up to having a beer in my hand while i'm still in bed and i spili it trying to open it all in my bed. its like i peed myself.
road a pink small scooter down an apt. hall way.
loads of punk rock karaoke.
aryn almost ran into a stop sign cone thing they put in the middle of the street in the city.
people at my house every night. different bars and shows.
i dont think i hit anyone...
looking for jobs. i think i may have one in the bag at a salon. SWWEEETTTAAAA. or johnnys pizza. either will do.
i know there is so much more that has happened in the last week... its just not coming to me.
right now, i'm sitting in the dark listing to law and order while eric is asleep on the couch and aryn is asleep in her bed. its 7pm! get up!! i'm drinking coffee... i havent eaten ALL day because i'm THAT broke. there is nothing in the house. i want beer and pizza.
oh our fridge randomly decided to start working again.
fuck my land lord. i have no idea whats going on because he wont fucking talk to me. WTF!!!!!! RRRWWAAARRRRR!!!!
fuck i'm hungry.
josh's birthday is tonight, i'm so ready to rage with the GFU crew.
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[17 Jan 2009|02:35am] |
i lost my job today.
i really am freaking out.
last night we went to door 44. got wasted, sang punk rock kereoke, danced, had a fuckin blast. now i wanna fuckin blast my head off.
i need to get my shit together
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| balls to the wall |
[09 Jan 2009|12:26am] |
i busted my knees, split someones lip open, ruined the only pants i wear, gone to Andriette, been going out every night, whiskey every night, chillin in attics, meeting people i will never remember meeting, being taken to houses i could never tell you how to get to, seeing people i havent seen in a long time, staying up till the sun comes up, NES every night, my house is trashed, not making money, not attending to my responsibilities, not finding another job...
i'm ruining my life and i love hating every second of it.
i'm out of control.
fuck.
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| lets play this game called poor choices only |
[01 Jan 2009|02:58pm] |
oh wait thats my life.
--------------------------
this new year sucked. got dragged to a party i didnt want to be at. then emma ditched us, didnt get to go where i wanted, i wasnt shit faced, i was surrounded by little kids.. but i did get to smack a few dudes in the face. it was great.
christmas was alright. chelsea surprised me the night before christmas eve by showing up at my house. we got wine and chilled. xmas eve we went to her parents and went shopping then drank all her parents JD and all the freakin beer. haha we had to leave at 2am to get more for them before they found out haaaaaaa.
xmas day my whole family went to my aunts. got drunk there. my dad is trying to bond with me i think. i dont know if i want to let that happen or not. he did give me some green though. awesome.
been talking to chris fitch again. its different. but i cant say i dont like it. ha.
i love having aryn live here. although we are totally bad for each other. we cant stay sober. shit. but it always makes for good stories. we're hilarious. and we beat ass at Nintendo. geeyeah!
my head hurts. i dont want to go to work.
OH! and i colored my hair. its purple yello black and red. it looks fake.
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[20 Dec 2008|03:34pm] |
oooooffffff course!
so chris smith and his friend come over to fix my car. i give them the keys and lay down on the couch just to have the cat jump on my face and rip it open. ok ok, i'm up! fuck! asshole. i'm bleeding out of my face. i make coffee, go outside and lite one up, have a beer put in my hand, and forget about the coffee.
get the shit in my car and the battery is so dead it wont start. so we try to jump it. not much luck. BUT we pop the clutch and it goes.. eventually.
so i drive it around for about an hour and a half, go see my mom, tell her the awesome news about the new job and the car, i back out of the parking lot... and the car stops. wont turn back on.
so you have my mom in the driver seat, me and the mail lady for that complex pushing the shit out of the car and mom pops the clutch. i drive it home, turn it off, and the bitch still wont start again.
great i drive a go cart that only works when it wants to!!! SWWEEEEETTTAAAA.
now if only you could see me i'd be kicking my car and giving it the fuckin finger right now. FUCK YOU!
annnnddddd... i dont know if i could handle my life if it wasn't full of poor choices and fuck yous.
do you follow your heart or do you follow your brain?
how much satisfactory do you get out of either? either youre left never knowing, and it drives you crazy, or your left heartbroken and or full of animosity and wanting to kill something.
do you try to drive life with both? how fucking hard is that. constantly pulling yourself in 2 directions or just simply at a stand still trying to figure out just how to go about shit.
me, i just run head first into shit and go which ever way is screaming at my the loudest. and its almost always, a poor choice. but its better then never knowing. and what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger. or so i've heard. not sure if thats true or if you just become numb to everything.
i feel like i always know what the out come will be but i'm gunna do it anyway. setting myself up just to be let down. and see it coming the whole time but i still try. WHY?! whats the point?!?!?!?! some one put me out of my misery. false hope will always get the best of my actions unless they are driven from hate. i'm blowing my brains out. right now.
i'm hitting the whiskey again. i need a distraction. dont want to think about boys. dont want to think about my car. dont want to think about how broke i am.
so lets get fucked ass up. ok GO!
shawing!
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[20 Dec 2008|02:04am] |
hello.
today was my lucky day. i got free booze and a job offer at a solon. my car will hopefully be fixed tomorrow.
i mean.... THANK YOU
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| dear life |
[17 Dec 2008|05:23pm] |
thank you for finally giving me what i asked for. a fucking break. now lets get down to business.
i'm in an awesome mood.
ps. i'm the mother fucking champion at mario on the NES. bring it!
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[15 Dec 2008|01:29am] |
dear life,
fuck you. stop punching me in the face.
k thanks.
-nancy
all i really want to do is go to school.
and have a working car.
and be able to support myself living on my own while doing all this.
THATS ALL I WANT.
guess i need a credit card to dig myself out of this hole to make another one.
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[10 Dec 2008|09:09pm] |
last night was insane. i saw the misfits. then whent to the clairmont. not sure i need say more hahaha.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
its driving me crazy i cant forget about him. wtf is wrong with me.
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[07 Dec 2008|11:58pm] |
emma and i went to see job for a cowboy last night. bobby took us to chill with them back stage. ended up getting shit faced and tried to suck beer out of maggies shirt. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
god i'm a retard.
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[06 Dec 2008|01:04am] |
yesterday, worked called and said not to come in AGAIN. (seriously... how do you live off 3 days a week?)
sooo eric katie and i hung out, came home and april called me to see if i wanted to go to a show at the masqu.
there were 2 shows, one upstairs and one down stairs. ran between the 2. steadlur was playing upstairs so emma and tommy were there. when i went into the back room i saw a keg outfit, so i put it on and the boys tell me now i cant take it off and i have to go hand out free CDs.
well i was bored and completely sober so i figured it would be fun. and it was haha. of course i had dudes asking if they could tap that keg (ew).
the show ends and april and i went out to one of the tour vans and jump in with Love Like This and proceed to chug loads of beer!
brought them all back to my house, with loads of vodka and beer, and fuckin raged. everyone seemed to pass out on the couch at the same time.
then i go into my room and ryan is passed out in my bed haha. how do i manage to always be the last one awake?
it was a good night.
chelsea's going away dinner thing was great. we got trashed of course. (thanks christian!!) and chelsea spent the night with me. some time in the night we thought it would be a good idea to throw flowers at eachother and everyone else. so there were explosions of flower petals every where.
i miss her alot. its going to be hard not having her around.
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[04 Dec 2008|03:25pm] |
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this rain is making it impossible for me to fucking make money at brew house and making it impossible to find a second job. i'm ready to give up on life.
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